Fix You

I'm heading home from the beach sometime between this afternoon and tomorrow morning. It was great being up here away from it all. Now I get to head back to the city to an empty house and no one to share it with.

This weekend I am starting to take action on planning this up coming wedding. It's actually next summer, but I need to book a hall for the reception, get a photographer, a florist and a dj, among other things that I am surely forgetting.

It's a really exciting but also really weird time in your life when you are making these plans. For the longest time, before I met J, I never really thought about getting married, I actually used to tell people that I wasn't going to. I used to see myself as the single friend that always hung out at your house and babysat your kids when you had a function to attend. And I was ok with being that friend. I didn't mind at all. Until I met him, fell in love, blah blah blah, and now I can't even imagine not spending every waking minute with him.

Which brings me to the real point of this post. I am one of the most superstitious people you probably will ever come across on the internet. I have this fear, most likely some sort of disorder really, that when everything in my life is good and going in the right direction, something horribly wrong or bad will take place and I will lose everything. It's like I never let myself be really happy for fear that the gods of fate will see me and will take it all away from me. It has gotten so bad that I won't right my own wedding day on a calendar or even post the date here, for fear that it will not happen or I will lose him.

I know I know it sounds crazy and weird but I will also tell you that to this day I still have not put his phone number on speed dial on my home phone. When I did that with past boyfriends we broke-up. Ya tell me I'm not crazy.......